BAD ENDING
by Neil Davies
Summary: This spoof play is written along the lines of a big finish production.


36

**DOCTOR WHO – BAD ENDING**

The sweet symphony of tardis materialisation fills the air concluding with a firm but assertive bump, and then the tardis door opens.

LUCIE

"Oh great this is just where I want to be, a poxy call centre."

DOCTOR

"Subdued lighting, I always find that very relaxing."

LUCIE

"What's the idea of bringing me to a call centre, you know I hate telesales?"

DOCTOR

"A call centre, what makes you think we're in a call centre?"

LUCIE

"Oh let me think – booths, flat screens, ear phones, a script."

DOCTOR

(Rustles paper)

"Odd sort of script for telesales, no mention of double glazing or car insurance."

LUCIE

"I was bored out of my frigging mind"

(Affects a friendly insincere voice)

"Oh hello sir could I interest you in our bargain Daleks, this week it's buy one get one half-price, user friendly, house trained, only exterminates traffic attendants and cowboy builders."

DOCTOR

"Drama."

LUCIE

"That's me, the original drama queen."

"DOCTOR

"No this script, it's for some kind of play."

LUCIE

"Is it, let's have a decko. He said, she said, he said…bit boring, where's all the camera directions, car chases and…."

DOCTOR

"It's an audio play, something for the radio perhaps. This isn't something you watch but something you listen to, it's all voices and the characters tell the story; weave a picture in your mind. Look here how certain words are emphasized, and how the cast explain everything that's going on; people don't talk like that in a movie or on stage because there the audience can plainly see what's going on."

LUCIE

"Oh yeah – sound of a door slamming, sound of footsteps, a cough…blimey, it's like something from before the war. Hang on though what's this bit, the roar of warp engines being engaged. This is sci fi."

DOCTOR

"Sci Fi?"

LUCIE

"You know, science fiction; this is set in outer space in the future. Look there, phasers and there teleportation. The whole thing starts on a star ship or something and there's an android who wants to be human."

DOCTOR

"Yes and the security officer has a head like a gargoyle, I think you're right this is…Sci Fi, ghastly phrase."

LUCIE

"It's a bit naff to, I mean look how stilted the dialogue is, bit sixties, bit retro."

DOCTOR

"I imagine it sounds better when professional actors say it, although I must admit it does seem rather contrived."

LUCIE

"Speaking of actors, where are they, why is there nobody here; place looks deserted."

DOCTOR

"Look at the digital clock on the wall."

LUCIE

"Oh yeah, right, 3am. Still – shouldn't there be a night watchman or something, you know security?"

DOCTOR

"Electronic surveillance."

LUCIE

(Horrified)

"You mean we're caught on CCTV?"

DOCTOR

(Presses some buttons)

"There we are…oh it's in black and white and it's grainy, I love grainy film. Do you know I've had some of my finest moments in monochrome?"

LUCIE

"I can believe it, so we've been noticed how come there are no alarms going off, shutters slamming and sirens approaching?"

DOCTOR

"There might be but where we are now is totally soundproofed, this is a professional sound studio."

(Rustling of jacket, a few foot steps)

"What do you make of this hard wear?"

LUCIE

"Wow, now that's what I call technology, it's more advanced than the stuff in the booths."

DOCTOR

"Well spotted."

LUCIE

"Sarky git."

DOCTOR

"Go on, it's more advanced and…..?"

LUCIE

"It looks like a set up for burning CDs, lots of CDs; blimey you could churn out hundreds with this gear."

DOCTOR

"More like thousands and quickly to, its mass production on a huge scale, this Sci Fi as you put it must be popular."

LUCIE

"Yeah well the world is full of geeks isn't it?"

DOCTOR

"Geeks?"

LUCIE

"Yes, sad little nerds who live in a fantasy world watch all those crappy American shows on the tele, read comics and buy audio plays by the bucket load."

(Opens a drawer, CD cases rattle)

"Who else would buy INVASION OF THE TIME EATERS or PULP REFRACTION, I mean – rubbish titles or what?"

DOCTOR

(Walks over, more rattling)

"Bad Ending, it's on all of these cases, this is a Bad Ending production; obviously the name of this company."

LUCIE

"Who'd call themselves that for god sake, I mean who'd want to listen to a bad ending?"

DOCTOR

"There's a whole genre of fiction famous for downbeat endings Lucie, stories don't have to end happily although in this case I don't think Bad Ending refers to how the scripts turn out just who makes them."

LUCIE

"Look at this THE FEAST OF FORELOCK," (laughs) "Who writes this rubbish?"

DOCTOR

"Well literary merits aside and I must admit this isn't to my taste, there's something not quite right about this array; it's just too complex."

LUCIE

"Mass production, geek heaven."

DOCTOR

"No that isn't what I mean; this unit here doesn't fit with the rest."

(Presses buttons)

"Oh interesting firewall."

(Sonic screwdriver noise)

"That's it now we're getting somewhere, extra dubbing, esoteric mixing – what does that mean?"

LUCIE

"Sounds effects maybe, warp engines, phasers, and silly alien voices. Don't some people make a living out of saying alien voices through synthesizers?"

DOCTOR

"Politicians mostly, ah look at this."

LUCIE

"Synaptic sign wave, what's one of them when it's at home?"

DOCTOR

"Let's find out shall we, hand me one of those disks will you; we'll play it on this unit."

LUCIE

"How about HORROR OF SLAM DOCK?"

DOCTOR

"Suitably absurd, slot it in there will you and turn the sound to normal for now. Now we don't want to listen to theme music or commercials for future treats so we'll start around track four."

_We hear a new voice it will be that of the character known as Nick sounding suitably pompous as a star ship commander, the voice had been deepened to make it manlier and has a soft American lilt._

NICK

"It is our duty to defend the constitution and the freedoms so hard won by our brave ancestors; why else did they form the united galactic states? Ensign engage the warp engines it is time to quell the alien hordes in the name of justice, honour and…."

LUCIE

"Popcorn."

NICK

"..And the blessed home world of Washington."

LUCIE

"Washington, that's a city you flat-head."

DOCTOR

"Not according to the CD blurb, it's what earth is called in 2134, now turn the sound right down and I'll engage this synaptic sign wave."

LUCIE

"My pleasure, good bye Captain Burk."

DOCTOR

(Works controls, we hear first a buzz then a sharp whine followed by what could be Morse code)

"There we are, just isolating the frequency and it should come through any time…."

NICK

(A soothing hypnotic voice, English this time)

"…obey without question any and all commands given to you by this recording, you want to obey, you know it is the right thing to do, obeying will make you stronger it will give you a purpose in life. Relax now and open your mind let your subconscious accept these instructions without any resistance, resistance is after all futile. At the appointed time you will take the following actions, downloading this CD onto the internet at full volume."

(Switched off)

LUCIE

"Hypnotic commands hidden behind the sounds of the play that people aren't even aware they're hearing, there's a word for it."

DOCTOR

"Subliminals, a set of subliminal commands directing listeners to feed this onto the internet; presumably to influence a global audience."

LUCIE

"The point being?"

DOCTOR

"Nothing good; this is mind control on an ambitious scale and not just your geeky friend's not just Sci Fi lovers but anyone online and thanks to the digitization of television."

(Movement)

"We have to stop this."

LUCIE

"How can we if these CDs have already been sold, they're already out there?"

DOCTOR

(Opens drawers and cupboards, some of which squeak a lot, more WD40?)

"I don't think so, look at this lot; the CDs are all still here thousands of them and all will have been given the subliminal carrier signal no doubt; Oh dear BLOOD OF THE DRASHIGS now that really is naff."

LUCIE

"I sense some pyromania coming on."

DOCTOR

"Fire might not destroy them all; in any case it's mindless vandalism."

LUCIE

"Maybe but we've got to destroy them and this equipment, so that they can't make any others."

DOCTOR

"Tempting but maybe we can be a little more imaginative, after all we've got the equipment, the sonic screwdriver, my not inconsiderable technical skill and your way with words – let's rewrite the script, I've always wanted to say that."

LUCIE

"You mean put in some harmless subliminals, think good thoughts that kind of thing?"

DOCTOR

"Or improve the listeners taste in literature, I mean it could hardly get any worse, we could also work on the titles – I mean GRAND THEFT AUTON, I ask you."

(Approaching footsteps, clipped and important; these are no mere hush puppies)

NICK

"What are you people doing here, get away from that equipment."

LUCIE

"Keep your hair on – oh you haven't got any."

DOCTOR

"I think you've got some explaining to do mister…Briggs, Nicholas, let's try Nick shall we? This is all highly unethical and probably illegal to, subliminals were outlawed ages ago."

LUCIE

"Half your titles should be outlawed."

NICK

"I don't know how you got in here but you're both in a lot of trouble, tampering with confidential company property."

DOCTOR

"Your company Nick?"

NICK

"I am a senior executive within Bad Ending – leading associate executive consulting administrative idea formulator."

LUCIE

"Tongue twister for short, or is it tea boy?"

NICK

"I do not make tea, we are coffee drinkers here; not that this is any of your concern. Now I've summoned security and when they get here you will be escorted off the property and into the hands of the…"

DOCTOR

"You're not behind any of this are you Nick, you just take orders, the carrier signal wasn't your idea I'm guessing."

NICK

"I oversee all ongoing projects."

LUCIE

"Including mind control, wouldn't you need a mind of your own for that?"

DOCTOR

"You do the silly alien voices don't you? Only I recognise your voice, all the robots, monsters and computers."

LUCIE

"Oh my god that's right, bit of a saddo are we Nick?"

NICK

"It's a very responsible and highly specialised job, not everyone could do it."

LUCIE

"Lobotomy essential."

DOCTOR

"Dedication to, give the man credit; Bad Ending have been going for…how long is it now?"

NICK

"Twelve years, one hundred and thirty-six plays; and no I'm not a saddo. You two are however intruders and must be dealt with."

DOCTOR

"Very authorative don't you think Lucie, a commanding presence our alien-voice artist; he could almost be the captain of a Vargon war fleet or…."

LUCIE

"President of the Zog Empire."

DOCTOR

"Voice of a lift, he could hum the musak."

NICK

"Be quiet both of you and move away from the recording array, these instruments are delicately balanced."

LUCIE

"So's the human mind mate and you're messing with it, implanting instructions."

DOCTOR

"Maybe Nick here's had a few implanted instructions of his own, have you Nick?"

NICK

"I am the only one of us authorised to be here, I'm not answering your questions, you will answer mine now I want your names and some ID then you can tell me how you got in here?"

LUCIE

"Doctor, what's that noise?"

NICK

"You're a GP are you; I would have thought you'd known better."

LUCIE

"It's getting closer a sort of trundling, wheeling sound like castors."

DOCTOR

"No stay here Lucie."

NICK

"Doctor and Lucie, thank you very much; dully noted. You two aren't…you know; involved?"

LUCIE

"It's something heavy and mechanical coming towards us, over there I'd say."

DOCTOR

"Yes I can hear it now to. We're not lovers Nick if that's what you mean."

LUCIE

"Oh please, taste-alert."

DOCTOR

"Now what exactly is approaching us, because you've gone rather pale yourself Nick?"

NICK

"You've done it now, they told me this wouldn't happen."

DOCTOR

"They being…..? Lucie, stay here."

LUCIE

"I can see it now in the shadows."

DOCTOR

"Get back over here at once until we know exactly what…oh I see."

LUCIE

"Cricky, its part of the recording equipment; how come it can move itself around?"

DOCTOR

"I don't think that's part of the recording equipment, it's just been customized to blend in."

LUCIE

(Bumps into something, clattering sound, CDs fall onto floor)

"It's a robot, a bloody great robot."

DOCTOR

"Get behind some cover Nick - go and help her."

NICK

"Don't tell me what to do."

DOCTOR

"If you had a spine I wouldn't have to."

NICK

"She'll be fine if she stands still you both will."

DOCTOR

"I Wish I could believe that, Lucie conceal yourself and keep quiet – if possible."

LUCIE

"I heard that."

_The trundling noise is now quite audible, castors clattering over a vinyl floor as something bulky wheels ever closer giving off a low electronic buzz and a few bleeps._

NICK

(Louder voice addressing object)

"Everything's under control, these people represent no threat; I was just about to process them."

DOCTOR

"Not making much impression Nick, try using a synthesizer."

NICK

"Shut up Doctor," (louder) "I can deal with this matter, there's no need to reveal yourself, I thought we agreed…."

_A hideous crackling electrical sound deafens the listener soon followed by Nick's poignant death-scream to prove he really suffered at the end._

DOCTOR

"Crisp and dry, no more silly voices from you."

LUCIE

"Doctor?"

Doctor

"I'm fine it wasn't firing at me for some reason but Nick's toast; literally."

LUCIE

"What's it doing now?"

DOCTOR

"It seems to be immobile even powered down."

LUCIE

"Maybe it's shot its bolt."

DOCTOR

"Yes it does seem rather drained, no stay under cover for now I'll take a closer look." (Footsteps, sound of fingers touching polished metal – rubbing, tapping).

"Inert, even the lights are going out maybe it has shot its bolt to use your vulgar phrase."

LUCIE

(Footsteps approaching) "What kind of weapon did it use, the air smells of…"

DOCTOR

"Ozone, some kind of focused electrical charge."

LUCIE

"Where's Ni…oh god, that's horrible, he's all burnt and crusty."

DOCTOR

"It seemed more interested in silencing him than killing either of us, maybe he knew something important."

LUCIE

"Well he won't be sharing it now, no more silly voices."

DOCTOR

"This is a quite remarkable adaptation, it looks like a bulky mass CD presser on the outside but it's actually a lot more exotic, these displays and controls are…"

LUCIE

"Alien?"

DOCTOR

"Completely, wi fi not sci fi; this isn't come clichéd science fiction monster."

LUCIE

"A robot's a robot isn't it?"

DOCTOR

"Robot's don't have a heartbeat."

LUCIE

"Give over, a heart beat."

DOCTOR

"Stethoscope's don't lie, have a listen."

_A distinctive thump, thump takes centre stage in the listener's ear._

LUCIE

"This is freaking me out, a giant box with a heartbeat; you mean this thing is actually alive; but why does it look like electronic hard ware?"

DOCTOR

"Let's have a sneaky look inside shall we"

(A sonic note followed by the popping of a flap)

"Circuitry, wiring, processors ah here we are, what do you make of those?"

LUCIE

"Oh gross, are they what I think they are?"

DOCTOR

"Yes I think they must be and over there we have what must be…."

LUCIE

"I think I'm going to be sick."

DOCTOR

"Come on Lucie you're tougher than this, it isn't like you haven't seen brain tissue before."

LUCIE

"A box with a brain, I want to heave….err what are you doing, don't stick your hand in there."

DOCTOR

"I just want to see where the cybernetics end and the organics begin."

_A rasping, slurping sound then a cry from the Doctor._

DOCTOR

"I can't pull free, my hand's going dead."

LUCIE

"Let me have a go, ugh I can't get a grip."

DOCTOR

"Find something to cut it, something sharp; over there."

LUCIE

"Okay hang on…this doesn't look big enough."

DOCTOR

"I'll risk it, now reach inside carefully and try to saw through the cable."

LUCIE

"Your hand's turning blue."

DOCTOR

"Thanks for the colour chart."

LUCIE

"I can't reach it; hang on if I twist this way a bit more."

DOCTOR

"Ouch!"

LUCIE

"Sorry, oh that's better I think I can just about….it's not working."

DOCTOR

"Just keep going, take your time."

LUCIE

"God this cable is tough what's it made of?"

DOCTOR

"Something stronger than my wrist."

LUCIE

"Budge up a bit, there that's better I can use both hands now," (voice strained with effort, gasps might help), "Oh this is impossible."

DOCTOR

"You're doing fine; the hold on me feels weaker."

LUCIE

"Really, your fingers are purple now with a nice dash of brown."

DOCTOR

"This is all I need, the Times art critic."

LUCIE

"You're getting crotchety in your old age."

DOCTOR

"Must be memories of monochrome, there that's it; it's releasing me."

(Sigh of relief)

"Thank you."

LUCIE

"The cable's bleeding, look at that there's blood oozing out of it."

DOCTOR

"Yes there is, how interesting, rich and red plenty of haemoglobin."

LUCIE

"Haemo...what, hey don't stick your hand back in?"

DOCTOR

"Sonic screwdriver, just a quick scan."

LUCIE

"Yeah well watch out for more tentacles."

DOCTOR

"It was a cable and they now seem as inert as the rest of this thing. It's funny, the moment this thing killed Nick it just switched off, why would it do that?"

LUCIE

"Ran out of power obviously."

DOCTOR

"I don't think so not with all these back up systems and transformers, plus if it was low on current all it had to do was plug into the national grid."

(Sonic sound, more melodious)

"Incredible, not just a brain but an entire nervous and circulatory system to, living tissue and electronics."

LUCIE

"You mean it's bionic."

DOCTOR

"Yes I do, very bionic."

LUCIE

"We've met bionic things before I can name two off the top of my head."

DOCTOR

"I could name a couple of hundred but nothing this sophisticated, do you know this is a quite remarkable adaptation I'm most impressed."

LUCIE

"Should I bring flowers?"

DOCTOR

"Excuse me?"

LUCIE

"To the wedding, you and bionic Bertha."

DOCTOR

"Very witty," (sonic off), "I could spend weeks tinkering around in here; even with no power the biological systems are still working they've just gone into hibernation mode."

LUCIE

"Excuse me David Attenborough but we've got company."

_The heavy trundle of another approaching set of castors can be heard._

DOCTOR

"Well there was bound to be more than one, come on let's explore the rest of this place."

(Hurried footsteps away from castors)

"Hang on let's pop in here and have a…decko at the next box."

LUCIE

"A box is a box, right?"

DOCTOR

"Oh I wouldn't say that, look at this one it's much smaller and more compact sort of rounded off."

LUCIE

"Like a hard boiled egg only made of metal, nice legs; all four of them. What's it doing, it's stopped by the other one and is inserting something inside it."

DOCTOR

"Probe perhaps, maybe a diagnostic tool; oh no it's giving it a boost of some sort. Look at the lights on the big box flashing and pulsing."

LUCIE

"It's re-energizing it, bringing it back to life; well giving it more power, do you think these things are living, sentient?"

DOCTOR

"That didn't take very long; be interesting to see inside this…boiled egg as you put it but I think our best bet is to keep moving, that door over there I think it's not visible from their position."

(Muffled sounds of stealthy movement)

"It's not locked, how refreshing"

(Door swishes open)

"After you"

LUCIE

"I don't think so, we're tumbled, hang on isn't this…but it can't be."

DOCTOR

"It is, hello again Nick; I assume you are called Nick, like the blond hair by the way."

NICK

"How do you know my name, no it doesn't matter?"

LUCIE

"But you're dead, we saw you die; your body is just back there."

NICK

"I'm the assistant production manager without portfolio; I think you're referring to one of my colleagues."

LUCIE

"Colleague, he's your twin except for the blond curls."

DOCTOR

"Clones, they're clones Lucie, not quite identical but close enough. Tell me is Bad Ending totally staffed by Nick's. I wonder what the collective noun would be for a loud of Nick's – a numeracy?"

LUCIE

"A pile."

DOCTOR

"An abundance?"

LUCIE

"A bunch, a batch; oh I know; a Briggs."

DOCTOR

"A Briggs of Nick's, oh that sounds awful?"

LUCIE

"Suits them perfectly, how many of you are there Nick – ten, twenty; a thousand?"

NICK

"Sufficient for the smooth operation of the company; now you will come with me and yes this is a gun."

DOCTOR

"Back to the Sci Fi dialogue it seems, oh and a Sci Fi gun to go with it."

NICK

"I can assure you this is a full working prototype, through the door."

LUCIE

"Not calling your bionic mates then, why don't you let them kill us?"

DOCTOR

"We're wanted alive aren't we Nick, we need to be explained, questioned, processed. What is this processing by the way, some sort of mind-probe?"

LUCIE

"Oh look another recording array this time with chairs and…are those hair dryers?"

DOCTOR

"Head sets certainly, which presumably we're going to be plugged into; I think we're about to listen to a few subliminals."

LUCIE

"Oh no, are you going to make us sit through one of your full-cast audio dramas, I think I'd rather be shot?"

NICK

"Sit down the pair of you and put the head sets on."

DOCTOR

"Nick, listen you seem like a reasonable sort of clone; can't we talk about this? I mean aren't you remotely curious as to who we are and why we're here?"

NICK

"My job is to produce commercial product, nothing else; others ask questions."

LUCIE

"Commercial product, I don't get it; what is all this gubbins for?"

DOCTOR

"Good question, well Nick? I mean we're not part of your product are we…or, oh dear I rather fear we're about to become so."

LUCIE

"What is it, Doctor?"

NICK

"Our cast list has been getting a little stale recently, I've been told we need to inject some fresh voices and personalities into the mix and you two would seem to be ideal."

LUCIE

"No way you're not turning me into a Sci Fi cliché."

DOCTOR

"Well you did want to be a drama queen."

LUCIE

"Not funny, am I right in thinking that you're going to upload our minds into some sort of software?"

DOCTOR

"Yes I believe that's the general idea isn't it Nick, Bad Ending doesn't hire actors it steals minds and once they're in the mix they can inserted into any play and made to spout any dialogue."

NICK

"Why pay a load of pompous opinionated thespians when the technology exists to bypass both salary and ego?"

DOCTOR

"Not human technology though is it anymore than you are, so who's behind this Nick, what are those bionic creatures in the other room and where are they from?"

NICK

"I don't have to tell you anything, you're intruders, criminals; you've lost the right to have a vote."

LUCIE

"Bog off Blondie, what you're doing here is criminal it's insane."

DOCTOR

"I don't think you can tell the difference between reality and science fiction anymore can you Nick, the lines have blurred; you don't see anything wrong in this at all do you? Human personalities abducted and funnelled into audio dramas, those who listen to them hypnotised and in effect also abducted."

NICK

"Necessary requirements."

DOCTOR

"Yes but for what, for whom; where is all this leading what's the bad ending to this tawdry little drama?"

LUCIE

"Oh that's obvious we all end up inside one big audio drama, puppets spouting someone else's dialogue, unpaid character actors."

DOCTOR

"There has to be more to it than that, well Nick any opinions or don't clones have opinions?"

NICK

"Sit down and put on the head sets, don't make me shoot you; but first I think I'll take that."

DOCTOR

"Careful, do you know what a sonic screwdriver is, what it can do."

(A low note can be heard).

"Let me turn it off or you'll become disorientated."

NICK

"Tell me how to turn it off, I'm not a fool."

LUCIE

"Oh give it here, men!"

(A piercing note, Nick screams, the thud of a body hitting lino)

*Oh my god."

Doctor

"Give it here," (the sound dies), "There that's better, alright?"

LUCIE

"No"

DOCTOR

"Neither is poor Nick, he's out for the count; no stamina these Nick's."

LUCIE

"Yeah but you heard him, this place is crawling with more and those box things are between us and the tardis."

DOCTOR

"Always happens doesn't it, monsters between us and the tardis; a recurring theme you might say."

LUCIE

"Like your windiness you mean?"

DOCTOR

"I'm not windy just eloquent. Right, first order of business is to examine this equipment; I wonder how many minds are inside it and why Bad Ending dislike actors so much?"

LUCIE

"Oh I'm sure I can't imagine. I don't suppose there's any way of freeing minds from this thing is there?"

DOCTOR

(Sounds of tinkering, button pressing)

"Be nice if we could, I imagine the original Nick is in here somewhere to; a real human being with hopes and dreams maybe a family somewhere."

LUCIE

"Yeah that's a point, why did the boxes clone him just him and nobody else; what's so special about Nick?"

DOCTOR

"I'm not sure but I'm developing the first threads of a theory. Go and look in the recording room, see what the boxes are doing; my guess is they're both inert."

LUCIE

"They are, how did you know? Oh hang on, it's to do with Nick isn't it, when we knock him out we affect them to like there's a kind of…."

DOCTOR

"Symbiotic link, yes. Nick and these creatures are connected mentally."

LUCIE

"I don't get it; he's just a clone a servant who does their bidding."

DOCTOR

"It's not that simple Lucie, the relationship is more complex it's deeper almost as if….there, I've rigged it so that no more minds can be absorbed into the program for now."

LUCIE

"Are you saying the Nick's and the boxes are somehow the same thing; but one is human and the other plainly isn't?"

DOCTOR

"What makes you think the Nick's are human, they just look human; they aren't people anymore than the boxes are just boxes – come and look at this."

LUCIE

"Is that a Swiss army knife, what are you doing; you can't cut him. Ugh, please."

DOCTOR

"Come a bit closer and have a proper look, it isn't gory I promise."

LUCIE

"I can see the blood from here thank you."

DOCTOR

"Can you also see the circuitry, the microchips and transducers?"

LUCIE

"Blimey, he's a….he's not….but he's just like one of the boxes on the inside."

DOCTOR

"Not like them, the same as; everyone and everything here is alien; the same species and all are designed to blend in. The Nick units look like staff and the box units resemble equipment – perfect adaptation, perfect camouflage, if you don't look too closely you don't even see them for what they really are."

LUCIE

"So it's an invasion, a take over? No wait, they don't need to do that not with the CDs; so long as they go all around the world the internet there's no need for a physical invasion."

DOCTOR

"Exactly audio instead of video; all in the mind."

_We hear the sound of a printer chugging away, then a strip of paper torn free._

LUCIE

"What are you doing?"

DOCTOR

"Printing off a diagram of this building, now the tardis must have materialised about….here, which means we must be…yes here; we want to get to this place known as The Moat, its right underneath us."

LUCIE

"What's CRO, creatures, robots and ogrons?"

DOCTOR

"Centre of operations, sounds promising doesn't it?"

LUCIE

"What's that name, Marwood; could he be in charge? Hang on wasn't he a character in that film – Withnail and I?"

DOCTOR

"Richard E Grant?"

LUCIE

"No that really rubbish actor."

DOCTOR

"I thought he was quite distinguished with finely chiselled features and a compelling delivery."

LUCIE

"No I don't think Ewan McGregor was in the film."

DOCTOR

"Oh very funny, can you hear something?"

LUCIE

"A sort of approaching hum like a lift rising up a shaft you mean?"

DOCTOR

"Maybe it's your friend, Marwood."

LUCIE

"I know we now hide behind something."

DOCTOR

"What gives you that idea, I want to be found, there we are the wall is sliding apart to reveal…oh."

LUCIE

"Another box, a big box, it's very different from the others; not designed to blend in. I like the fluted columns going up the sides and the way it pulsates at the top."

DOCTOR

"All good aliens should pulsate Lucie."

LUCIE

"You don't"

DOCTOR

"I did for Romana."

LUCIE

"Who?"

DOCTOR

"It's extending something long and slim in our direction."

LUCIE

"Must be pleased to see us."

DOCTOR

"I don't think we're going to be shot, of course I can't be sure without moving out into clearer view; there we are he can't miss now. No, execution postponed it seems. He's moving backwards creating space in the lift."

LUCIE

"I know – come and join me."

DOCTOR

"Let's take him up on the other shall we."

LUCIE

"I'd rather not."

DOCTOR

"You could always stay here and wait for another Nick to come along."

LUCIE

"Since you put it like that….oi mate watch where you stick that tube."

DOCTOR

"I think he's more my type."

LUCIE

"Like Richard E Grant."

DOCTOR

"I was rather hoping we'd moved beyond that topic of conversation."

(The lift doors swish to)

"Yes we're going down to The Moat."

LUCIE

"Not very chatty these boxes are they no grating authorative voice."

DOCTOR

"Yes they could do with a 'Nick-moment' couldn't they, perhaps they don't speak or maybe they're the strong silent types."

LUCIE

I was wondering what you planned to do when we arrive at The Moat, makes me think of dirty water and drowning, bodies floating face down."

DOCTOR

"There's a cheery thought."

LUCIE

"Even the lift doesn't talk."

DOCTOR

"What would you like it to say?"

LUCIE

"I dunno, something like 'descending towards impending death' or 'approaching excruciating agony', you know a nice descriptive phrase."

DOCTOR

"You've been listening to too many full-cast audio dramas."

(With a bump the lift stops, its doors open)

"Oh it's darker down here, positively gloomy after the sound studio; cryptic that's the word."

LUCIE

"Mr Pulsation is shoving us out of the lift, and he's coming with us."

DOCTOR

"I can't see much – hello, can we have a bit of illumination."

LUCIE

"I'm not sure I want to see any more, it's a bit parky and what's that stink?"

DOCTOR

"Formaldehyde, a preservative; usually found in mortuaries."

LUCIE

"Like I really wanted to know that."

DOCTOR

"Well you did ask, hang on I can see something ahead a shape. Mr Marwood? Mrs Marwood?"

LUCIE

"Try commander or captain."

DOCTOR

"Let's try to avoid the Sci Fi from now shall we?"

LUCIE

"That smell is getting stronger; Marwood must be pickled in for-whatever you said?"

DOCTOR

"I can't see anymore of our box friends."

LUCIE

"Never a Nick around when you need one, at least he's chatty and has a different inflection."

DOCTOR

"Good word."

LUCIE

"I'm not totally ignorant."

DOCTOR

"Are you sure you're from Blackpool?"

_A new voice hoarse and guttural, laryngitis and then some._

MARWOOD

"According to video footage you materialised in the sound studio within a blue box, trans temporal relocation; would you care to explain this?"

LUCIE

(Whispers), "Brighter than Nick."

DOCTOR

"Is that how you arrived on earth, I mean you're clearly not native to this planet? I assume you constructed the units upstairs once you got here."

MARWOOD

"How clever, an answer that becomes a question; a neat way of turning the conversational dynamic."

LUCIE

"You're sussed."

DOCTOR

"How clever an answer that becomes a psychological evaluation, so we're both good at verbal fencing; care to answer my question?"

MARWOOD

"You are misinformed Doctor in several areas."

DOCTOR

"Enlighten me do."

MARWOOD

"I'm disappointed that you haven't worked it out for yourself based on the available evidence, think about what you've discovered and seen since you arrived."

LUCIE

"Mass-produced CDs with subliminal commands, bionic boxes and cloned Nicks."

DOCTOR

"Are you suggesting that we've seen something else, something more?"

MARWOOD

"Doesn't any of this remind you of something familiar, doesn't it ring any bells Doctor, surely the sequence of events provided some clues."

LUCIE

"What are you talking about Marwood; what is saying Doctor?"

MARWOOD

"Think about what you've observed and done since you emerged from your box, the interaction between yourselves and Nick; didn't any of it seem familiar?"

LUCIE

"No"

DOCTOR

"Yes, yes it did."

MARWOOD

"Ah at last, realisation; I knew it was only a matter of time."

LUCIE

"I don't get it Doctor, what does he mean; why would it be familiar to us we haven't been here before?"

DOCTOR

"Haven't we, I wonder?"

LUCIE

"I've never heard of Bad Ending before, maybe you've been here with somebody else; Romana for example or in a previous body."

DOCTOR

"No it's not that it's the texture of the experience, the context, like he said the sequence of unfolding events and how we reacted to them."

LUCIE

"I think he's just playing mind games, maybe we _have_ been subjected to subliminal control."

DOCTOR

"Is that it Marwood, mind games; playing with our heads. Why don't you show yourself, let us see you clearly."

LUCIE

"Yeah come on turn up the lights; let's have a look at you Marwood."

MARWOOD

"If I do that your journey together will be over, there is no way you'll be able to continue your flight through space and time."

DOCTOR

"Why not, how can you stop us; you can't destroy the tardis or do you plan to kill us right here and now?"

LUCIE

"There must be a light switch in here; I'm going to find it."

DOCTOR

"Good idea, you look on that side and I'll try over here."

MARWOOD

"I won't try to stop you, I shalln't use force but you must understand that once you see me clearly this whole experience will be over for you on every level – is that what you really want?"

LUCIE

"Not a very scary threat mate, found anything Doctor?"

DOCTOR

"Not yet, these walls are filthy; not big on house keeping are you Marwood?"

LUCIE

"Doctor this room is round, it's circular and the walls are as smooth as glass."

DOCTOR

"Yes they remind me of something."

LUCIE

"It doesn't feel like the walls of a room at all does it?"

DOCTOR

"No not really, any luck finding a light switch?"

LUCIE

"I've found something, it could be a button but I can't push it."

DOCTOR

"Hang on I'll join you, keep talking so I can find you."

LUCIE

"Why will our journey be over if we see Marwood, I mean just seeing him isn't going affect us is it unless he's like that thing from Greek mythology, the woman with snakes in her hair who can turn you to….ouch, you've found me."

DOCTOR

"Where's the button, ah here we are; oh yes it is a bit stiff isn't it. Help me Lucie; our combined strength should be enough."

LUCIE

"It's moving, I can feel it shifting and it's getting lighter, the whole room is becoming clearer."

DOCTOR

"So it is, fascinating; it's not really a room at all."

LUCIE

"Oh no I don't believe it."

DOCTOR

"I don't believe it either, this isn't a room it's a….but that's impossible, it can't be."

LUCIE

"We're inside a…and look at Marwood, he isn't a person or an alien at all he's…I don't get it."

DOCTOR

"I think I do finally, it's all starting to make sense now. So this is the reason our journey together is over."

LUCIE

"We're trapped inside…oh no I don't believe this."

DOCTOR

"Inside a compact disk, this whole thing is an audio play; our whole existence together is a series of plays and we're just…fictional characters reading scripts."

LUCIE

"No that can't be true, I don't believe it, I'm real and you're real; we have memories, lives. I'm Lucie Miller and you're the…"

DOCTOR

"Look at Marwood, look at him, can't you see what's printed on that column of CD cases. Everywhere we've been, everything we've done, everyone we've met since we teamed up is the same thing."

LUCIE

"A Bad Ending Production"

DOCTOR

"And this is the last play in the sequence, our final flight together."

LUCIE

"Lucie's farewell, I've been axed, cancelled; they've done a Charlie on me."

DOCTOR

"Not just you look at the final CD; the concluding adventure in the eighth Doctor series, they're getting rid of me to I'm making way for the ninth Doctor played by…oh no I don't believe it, not that weird guy from Shallow Grave, the freaky one who goes barking mad."

LUCIE

"Ewan McGregor by any chance?"

DOCTOR

"I should be so lucky."

Neil Davies 2010


End file.
